Overcoming Relapse and Addiction

In this episode of the Successful Life Podcast, host Corey Berrier takes a deep dive into the challenging topic of relapse and addiction, sharing his personal journey and insights. Corey discusses the struggles of maintaining sobriety, the pitfalls of relapse, and the exhausting cycle of addiction. He highlights the illusion of alcohol as a friend, the consequences of addiction on personal and professional life, and the often-overlooked aspect of rebuilding trust in oneself. Corey also talks about the importance of community and support in recovery and how practices like transcendental meditation have played a crucial role in his journey. This episode is a heartfelt and honest reflection on the path to recovery and the ongoing efforts to maintain a leadership mindset in the face of life's challenges.

00:00 Introduction to the Podcast
01:04 Personal Relapse Story
02:43 The Struggle with Alcoholism
06:45 The Turning Point
11:57 The Road to Recovery
18:15 Maintaining Sobriety
23:30 The Power of Meditation
27:27 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Chapters

• 2:00 Opening: Why Relapse Happens
• 4:45 The First Slip After 90 Days
• 7:45 Addiction As A False Friend
• 11:40 Breaking Promises And Self-Trust
• 14:45 Why “Just Quit” Fails
• 18:15 Life Organized Around The Next Drink
• 23:31 Interlock Wake-Up And DMV Ultimatum
• 28:46 Seven Years Sober Behind A Mask
• 32:11 Drifting Away And Weed Creep
• 36:36 Marriage Strain And Hitting Bottom

Transcript

CoreyBerrier: 1:00

Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast. I'm your host, Corey Berrier. And today, folks, we're going to talk about relapse. What happens when you have a relapse? What happens when I what happened when I relapsed? Because listen, relapse does not have to be a part of your story. But often it is a part of your story. And you know, the truth of the matter is when I when I relapsed, I didn't put in the work that I was told to put in. I had a mask over my face in front of you, in front of the next person, in front of the next person, in front of the next person. And man, it was pretty exhausting. And you know, you know, about three months into me getting sober the first time, which was early 2009, you know, I remember sitting on the couch. I was uh I was living at I was had a roommate, and you know, I was supposed to go to a meeting that night, and I just got up, went to the store, and bought six beers. Now, if you're not a recovered or recovering alcoholic, this is gonna make absolutely no sense to you. In fact, you are probably gonna question the sanity of what I'm about to tell you because the truth of the matter is it is insane. Uh we call this cunning, baffling, and powerful. And uh I was sitting on that couch, I was supposed to go to a meeting that night, and I just got up, went to the store as if it was three months prior to that before I had stopped drinking. And I just I went and I bought six beers, I came back home, continued watching the football game, and about three beers in, I realized what had happened. If you've ever tried to be sober for 90 days, it is not an easy path. It's not an easy 90 days because the the pull, the pull that you feel inside of your body when you're trying to put down alcohol is the worst pull I've ever had in my life. It's the biggest struggle I've ever had in my life. I drank for 20, I don't know, 15 years. I can't remember how long it was at the time. But I drank for a very, a very long time, pretty consistently, and lots of times uh sun up to sundown. And that wasn't the case at this moment in time in my life. I wasn't drinking sunup to sundown, but I was drinking every day. And that alcohol becomes a friend. Uh becomes a friend when you do something cool and fun, you drink. Becomes your friend when you get bad news or someone passes, you drink. Hell, if you're me, I just drank because I was bored. But along, you know, along my journey, alcohol was always there. And it didn't matter how many times I got arrested, didn't matter how many DUIs I had. Yeah, was I remorseful, you know, after those things happened, of course. And did I want to get out of trouble by saying I'm gonna quit drinking? Absolutely. Did I mean it? Unequivocally, without a doubt, not. I mean, I probably did mean it at the time. And I think every time you say to yourself, I'm gonna start, I'm gonna stop drinking, or I'm gonna stop smoking cigarettes, or I'm gonna put this vape down, or I'm gonna stop eating sugar, or I'm gonna start exercising, or I'm gonna change my habits because I know I'm not I'm going down a dark road. And that dark road could be food, it could be alcohol, it could be pornography, it could be fill in the blank, it could be anything. And maybe ask yourself how many times you've quit a thing, and then the next day you went right back to that thing because it was just too hard to put down. Or it was too easy to start again the next day. I know for me, I've had several of these battles in my life, whether it be women, or whether it be uh cigarettes, or whether it be alcohol, or whether it be weed, or whether it be whatever, fill in the blank. And um, you know, for me, every time I break a promise to myself, I disappoint myself. I let myself down. And what happens is breaking those small promises to myself compound over time. And they become those small things, become bigger things. Those small actions that I decide not to take because today's not going to be the day I'm gonna do it tomorrow. That tomorrow turns into next week, next month, and next year. And then what's the point? Because I've already let myself down so many times, I don't even trust myself. I don't even trust myself when I take when I make promises to myself that I can't keep, I lose all trust in me. And uh that's really that's a hard pill to swallow. And so I went through that, you know, for years. You know, there were years that I didn't want to stop drinking, that alcohol was my friend, but I want to tell you, and I want to be so clear about this alcoholics don't want to drink. I think a lot of people believe, or a lot of people have the opinion that that, well, if you're you know, you're losing your house and your wife and your kids hate your guts, you're on the verge of losing your job. Why don't you just quit, dude? Well, you could just quit today and and all those things would probably fix themselves, but it's not that easy. Unfortunately, if you're not an addict, and if you don't have addictive qualities in your life or addictive personality like I do, sometimes you can't quit. Sometimes you literally cannot read the label on the bottle because you're inside the bottle and you're stuck in a place that's impossible to get out. And normal people will say, Why can't you just put it down? Dude, if if an alcoholic could just put it down, they would. They don't want to keep drinking, they don't want to keep having the consequences they're having, they don't want to keep breaking promises to themselves. But that's where the addiction comes in. The addiction to the thing that you can't put down is powerful. It's so strong that it feels like it's got it feels like it's got the like someone's got their their hands around your neck and they won't let go, and you can't breathe, and there's nothing you can do. The only thing that will release that pressure and that pain and that struggle is another drink or another donut, and or another relationship, or another drug. You see, when people are addicted to drugs and alcohol, they are really looking for relief from themselves. They're looking for a solution out of what they're feeling. And alcohol and drugs are a good solution to not feel what you're feeling. And you may not realize that you're trying to cover up some sort of pain. Maybe you're air quote stressed out at work, so you drink at night. Maybe your wife is uh a bitch and you drink at night. The truth of the matter is your job doesn't have anything to do with you drinking at night. Your wife doesn't have anything to do with you drinking at night. It's the person looking in the mirror that has everything to do with why you drink at night. And you talk about a hard truth to have to admit that it's my fault to admit that it's my fault that I do the things that I do. Absolutely not. It's not my fault, it's somebody else's fault. I'm gonna blame somebody else all day long when I'm in addiction. Relationship ends, it's her fault. I drink, it's their fault. If you would have had if your wife was like mine, you drink too. I'm sure there's people listening to this show right now that have said that very thing. If you were in the situation that I'm in right now, you you would drink too. And life situations are hard. They're hard to deal with, but they're much easier to deal with when you could pour a little liquor on top of it or smoke a little dope in the afternoon just to you know take the edge off until it stops working. And so the alcohol in my life stopped working, it became all I thought about every single day. How I was gonna what I was gonna drink when I got home. Do I have enough at home? Do I need to stop at the store? You know, those things consume my mind. If I'm going to a restaurant, do they have the alcohol I want? Because if they don't have alcohol, you can forget it. I'm not going. Right? I'm not interested in having dinner with anybody when I'm in active addiction if there's no alcohol there. Because, you know, that's the primary, that's the primary focus. And um look, alcohol's pretty sociably acceptable. And uh, but it it is cunning, baffling, and powerful. And so I did decide to, and and this was in 2009 when I quit drinking for good. Um, you know, I had uh I had this, I had a had had a couple of DUIs and talked my way into getting my license back here in North Carolina, and uh I had to have this thing in my car that I had to blow into in order for the car to start. Pretty damn unmanageable. But I was just grateful. I felt like I was grateful just to have a North Carolina driver's license again. But the alcohol was so powerful that I drank again after knowing the consequences of that were catastrophic. Catastrophic in a way that I may lose my license for the rest of my life and go to jail for God knows how long. Like I my whole, my ass, my life, my future was on the line, and I drank anyway. Because I could drink just enough to not blow into that thing the next morning and set it off. Well, that's not how it turned out, and so one morning I knew in the pit of my stomach things were about to go sideways, but I would manipulate myself, lie to myself, and say, hey, it's gonna be fine. You're gonna dude, you're gonna be fine. Like it's not gonna happen this time. And then next and then tonight you won't drink, and you won't have to worry about this tomorrow. But today you're gonna get you're gonna get old, you're gonna be okay. But in the pit of my stomach, when you know something that bad's about to happen, was there. But I pushed it down because I didn't want to listen to that voice. And I had to be at work, so I blew into it and it set it off. And um that sends a direct message to the North Carolina DMV. It says, Hey, you got one, and so the car gets locked out, you can't start it. And then you've got to have somebody take you down to the DMV and explain what happened. And that was the scariest day that I've had in a long, long time. And so I explained to this lady, and I lied, of course, because if I told her I drank after I just told her, you know, two weeks ago or three weeks ago that I had quit drinking for good, and I was basically the Pope. You know, I lied and said I had eaten some Caribbean food, and it was not a proud moment, but I, you know, I was caught. I didn't know what else to do. And at the time, lying was a smart thing for me to, you know, it was like second nature. Um, it was kind of the only choice. Thankfully, I I don't do that anymore. Thankfully, I don't lie anymore. Uh, not intentionally, for sure. And so this lady said to me, hey, like I'm gonna let you go. But if I ever see you in here again, you will you'll never drive on the streets of North Carolina ever again in your life. Do you understand me? This lady was a big old black lady. I mean, she was a scary, scary, scary woman. She was probably 6'2. I mean, she was enormous. And when I walked out of there that day, I decided I was never going to put another drop of alcohol in my body, and I didn't, and I haven't. But you know, the story doesn't end there. You know, I went to the recovery program, and and you know, I felt like I was doing the steps, and I felt like I was doing the right thing, and I felt like I was involved. And the truth of the matter was I only showed people what I wanted them to see. And uh that kept me dishonest. You know, I would lie by omission. I mean, I may have just lied anyway. I don't know. Who knows at the time? It's been a long time ago. But the point is, is like I wore that mask for the next seven years. I mean, I was fairly heavily involved, I felt like, started a uh, you know, a recovery meeting, and of course, you know, I was the star of the show with that meeting. And so, you know, it fed my ego, and and I had arrived, and and quickly it got to the point, I say quickly after about seven years, that that's when I decided that I didn't need to go to recovery anymore. And I slowly started smoking weed every now and then, and then it got a little bit more often, and it got a little more often until eventually I didn't need recovery anymore. This program that had given me a life beyond imagination. I had just bought a brand new house, I was newly married, I had sold a business and started another business, and I was happy. And uh, you know, we had two brand new cars in the driveway. I mean, life was really, really dope. It was really good. And I decided that you know what, I I got this. I don't I don't need to keep going to these stupid meetings. I don't need to keep going to these stupid meetings. I just don't. I don't need it. I'm busy at work, I'm running this business, it's taking all my time, and I just don't have time for it. And so I stopped going. And uh to the point where, you know, I had to hit my knees and beg for God to show me what to do because I was out of options. I had tried everything. My wife and I were fighting like crazy. Um, this was uh I guess this was uh going into uh tail end of 2021, going into 2022. Um maybe that's the opposite. Maybe it's tail end of 2022 going into 2023, and life just wasn't good, dude. I was very unhappy with myself. I was very unhappy with the marriage, and it had nothing to do with her. She tried her best. But you know, I was a total train wreck. And for all those years, I didn't even consider getting back into the recovery program that had given me all those things back and more until, you know, some things happened that I'm not going to get into here within our family. And and I tried to do everything I could do to get an answer as to what happened. And the truth is I never got that answer, but it was driving me absolutely insane. And the the sheer unmanageability and lack of control in my life was the worst it's ever been. And I hadn't even drank. I was so spun out. You know, I was I was me with untreated alcoholism. And listen, it's called alcoholism, not alcohol wasm. Everything that I I have to do things on a daily basis, every day, to keep what I've got, to stay sober, to be a recovered alcoholic. And um and finally I had the crap scared out of me. You know, I had already been going back into the recovery program at at this time, which was March March of March 26, 2023 is my my sobriety date. But I was still smoking weed and you know, trying to do my thing and um, you know, living a total lie. And I knew that. I knew I was living a lie. But I was just my, you know, I was just not willing yet to put it down. I wasn't willing to admit that I was powerless over this substance and that my life was completely unmanageable. Until one night I was leaving a meeting and I I'd hit my my weed pin and almost ran through two red lights almost back to back, going 70 miles an hour, and it it scared the day the daylights out of me. It scared me to death. And uh I knew at that moment I really didn't want that third strike, and I knew it was coming if I didn't make a change, and so I tossed that pen out the window, and I haven't picked it back up since. You know, and this has been a tough little over two and a half years for various reasons. I've gone through divorce, I've sold a house, I've changed jobs a couple of times, and and uh and through all of that, I haven't felt the need to pick up a drink or a drug. You know, I rely on people that are sober around me to help me when I need help. Um, and there's nothing like it in the world, and I wish everybody had the same thing or the same opportunities that I've had to look inward at myself, look at my childhood traumas, fix some of those things, realize why I make the decisions that I make, and it takes a whole lot of work to do that. And I'm not here to brag by any stretch because I have not arrived. But I'm a little bit better than I was yesterday. And God willing, I'm gonna get through today sober. And God willing, I'm gonna continue this journey. You know, I'll share a quick story with you. Um, I went and did uh a training on Sunday called Transcendental Meditation. And and and I I've always thought, well, yeah, I meditate, you know, I listen to some stuff and probably fall asleep. So not I, you know, I didn't really know much about meditation, but that is, you know, part of the part of the deal is prayer meditation. And it's something I haven't focused a whole lot on. And so I decided to go learn from a a private teacher on Sunday. And it's really wild. It's wild what's happened just in the last four days. Now, this is not an overnight fix, this is not a solution to all your problems, but it's a piece of the puzzle that I was missing. And I meditate twice a day for 20 minutes each time. And I'm not gonna go into the specifics of how it's done and all that stuff. You can look into it if you want to, or or you can just do it on your own, or whatever you feel like you need to do. You know, and I tried doing it on my own, but that didn't really work. Like a lot of things in my life, when I try to do them on my own, I'm not very successful. But when I ask for help and I'm willing to accept that help and be open-minded and realize I don't know everything, I don't know jack shit when it comes to a lot of things. And I've learned is to be honest and say, you know, I just don't have the answers, and I'm not sure there's anything else that I can really do sometimes, is just open my mind and ask for help. Ask for God's guidance. And here's the crazy part if I ask for God's guidance and I allow Him to work in my life, that's when things get a bit easier, that's when things become a little clearer. But as soon as I want to take back that control and try to run things my way, the show doesn't come off very well. And you know, some days I do that, some days I take my will back and I decide I'm gonna do it my way. I'm gonna stress out about this thing, I'm gonna control the outcome of this thing, I'm gonna have expectations on this human being that's going to let me down. And then I can have a resentment, and it's a cycle. And it's hard to get out of that cycle, but I can assure you once you see the results of practicing these things in all areas of your life, it changes. And I can't explain it. I don't know what the secret sauce is. So I have to do all the pieces that make up the sauce because I'm not sure which one today is going to be the one that works. And so I am fairly disciplined in all areas of my life. I'm disciplined with my diet, I'm desperate, disciplined with my exercise, I'm disciplined with work, I'm disciplined with my recovery. And it's not easy. It's a lot of balls to juggle. But man, it's a lot easier than trying to do it on my own. And uh I think my message today to you is if you are struggling with some sort of addiction, you know, there's a thousand 12-step programs out there that you can look into. Now, I can't I can't speak but on a couple of them, because I haven't been in all of them. But I know where I've found a solution, and that's in a program of recovery. And you know, the other thing that I think is really important is it's very lonely when you're in addiction. And I mean when I say lonely, it is a very isolated, dark place. And there's one thing that I love about being in recovery is the community aspect of it. You know, I used to hate going to meetings because I was always looking to see what I'd get out of it. And now I look forward to going to meetings because I like to give back. And sometimes I don't give back by sharing or talking or, you know, uh, well, yeah, sharing. Sometimes I'm able to give back by just listening. And sometimes that's my part in that particular environment that day. And you'll know when the right time is for you to talk. And don't for you don't need to force it. You don't need to be the shining star of the room, you don't need to be the leader of the crazy bus. You don't need to be the king of the castle, you don't need to be the damn cool kid in a group of people that are trying to recover from drugs and alcohol. You just don't. But a lot of people think we do. And I fell into that trap for sure when I first got in. You know, I thought I needed to say the right thing. So you would hear me and think I'm cool and like me and accept me in. It just does the opposite of that because the people that have been there for longer than you realize you're full of shit, man. And you don't realize that until you've been around the block for a minute. But uh once you do realize that you take somebody under your wing and you start working with them, and you can kind of guide them in a way that nobody maybe guided you, or maybe they tried to guide you and you didn't listen, which is probably what happened with me, you know, because I knew everything. You know, I didn't need to be. There. I wasn't one of these guys that needed this program. And uh boy was I wrong about that. Boy was I wrong about that. It was, you know, it's very humbling to tell somebody that you're an alcoholic. It's hard to do. Because everything inside of you says, I'm not that person. But likely, if you're in a room of recovering people, you're that person. And guess what? Everybody else in that room, whether they look like you or they don't, they're just like you. You're all there for the same reason. And that's to figure out how to stop drinking and live a better life. And the benefits that come from that are massive. And so if you if you've enjoyed this conversation today, I would encourage you to share it with somebody that may need to hear it. Share it in one of the recovery Facebook groups because there's a lot of people in there that are struggling. You know, they'll get a day or two sober and then they relapse. Or they'll have 30 days sober and they're on top of the world and then they relapse. Or maybe they have six months or a year or six years and they relapse. Those people need help too. Everybody needs help in some area of their life. You just got to be willing to ask for it and accept it. And that's a hard thing to do. If you're a man, it's a hard thing to do to ask another man for help. But it's the most liberating thing you've ever you'll ever do. Because when you open up and you allow people in and they can see your true self, you take the mask off, people then can help you. And people do want to help you. No matter what you might think. When I have somebody call with a problem, and I can listen to that that problem or that issue or that struggle and share my experience, strength, and hope with them, in hopes that they can see themselves inside of me and and that my story maybe helps them not look so not feel so bad about themselves. Because that's happened to me a million times. And I think to myself, I don't want to call this person and tell them I'm heartbroken. I don't want to call this person and tell them I lost my job. I don't want to call this person and tell them I am on the struggle bus. But without a doubt, when I do, I get the in, I get, I get exactly what I need. And, you know, at first I do feel like a burden sometimes. But at the end of the day, it never turns out that way. You know, when you want to reach, if you decide you're going to reach out to someone, you're going to help them more than more than they're going to help you. And that's also a hard concept to grasp. But take it from a guy that's sat in the pain and not picked up the phone and called someone. And also from the same guy that decided I didn't want to feel this pain anymore. So I pick up a phone and I call people and I share with them where I'm at and how I'm feeling. Because that's the solution for me. And I'm not saying they always say what I want to hear because that's not the case. I call people that are going to tell me the truth. Sometimes that truth is hard to hear. So please share this with somebody that you think needs to hear it. I appreciate you guys. Subscribe to the podcast if you haven't already. Um, if you enjoyed this, leave us a review. And uh check out that TM Meditation. It's really, really dope. It's called Transcendental Meditation. And there is something about it special. So, guys, I appreciate you. This drops every Friday morning at 4 a.m. sharp, and we'll see you next week.