Tried to fix everyone and just broke my own sanity

The hardest truth we learned in recovery wasn’t about alcohol—it was about control. For years we tried to push, persuade, and rescue our way into peace, only to end up exhausted and resentful. Then two small words flipped everything: let them. Let them choose. Let them stay. Let them go. Let them misunderstand. And let us choose our peace, our boundaries, and our focus.

We explore how the “Let Them” Theory reframes love, leadership, and sobriety without sliding into passivity. Control looks like care, but it’s fear wearing a friendly mask. We share real stories of trying to fix partners, employees, and friends, and how accepting people’s agency made room for real connection—and for those who are actually aligned to step in. You’ll hear why love without boundaries becomes chaos, how rescuing steals growth, and why allowing people to be wrong about you is a fast track to freedom. We also unpack the surprising link between addiction and control, and why quiet consistency becomes more influential than any speech.

If you’ve ever felt responsible for everyone else’s choices—or felt triggered when they ignore your advice—take our practical tool with you: the Five Whys. Keep asking why until you move from blame to root-cause truth. Paired with surrender and spiritual trust, this shift calms your nervous system, clarifies what’s yours to carry, and helps you stop arguing with reality. Let them live their story while you live yours—with integrity, compassion, and clear boundaries.

If this resonated, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs lighter shoulders and clearer lines. What will you finally let go of today?

Chapters

• 0:00 Letting Go Of Forcing Change
• 3:10 The “Let Them” Theory Explained
• 5:20 Control, Love, And Leadership
• 7:45 Addiction, Control, And Fear
• 11:30 Sobriety Without Controlling Others
• 15:21 Rescuing, Boundaries, And Self-Respect
• 18:51 Letting People Be Wrong About You
• 21:51 Acceptance, Influence, And Quiet Power
• 25:06 Surrender, Flow, And Spiritual Trust
• 27:56 The Five Whys: From Control To Clarity
• 32:06 Closing Reflections And Resources

Transcript

CoreyBerrier: 1:01

Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast. I'm your host, Corey Berrier. And today we're going to talk about the myth of making people change. You know, I used to think I could get people to change. I used to think I could make people change. You know, if I said the right words, if I gave the right advice. If I pushed hard enough, they'd finally get it. They would see what I saw, feel what I felt, and fix what I thought was broken. That belief drained me. It made me resentful, angry, and constantly disappointed. Because no matter how hard I tried, people didn't change on my timeline. Or in the way that I wanted them to change. And so I'm going to share. Um I came across something by a lady named Mel Robbins, and she calls it the Let Them Theory. You may have heard of her book. It's called The Let Them Theory. And those two simple words, let them, flipped my entire approach to relationships, any relationship. So let them be who they are, let them act how they want to act. Let them choose what they want to choose. Because the more you try to control someone, the more you lose yourself. And the crazy thing is, once you let go of all of that, once you stop trying to force people to change, they sometimes change. Because the more you uh well, the but not because you pushed harder, right? It's because you stopped pushing, and uh so that's what this episode is about learning how to let people be so you can be more free. You know, I used to wear myself out trying to fix people, employees, friends, romantic relationships, health, anybody, right? And I thought it was me trying to show how much I loved that person. I thought it was leadership if we're talking about employees, but really what that was was control. You know, when you try to make people change, you're you you take on a role that's not yours. You become the director, the script writer, the judge of somebody uh of somebody else's movie. And they didn't audition for that role. You know, the result is you exhaust yourself, they resent you, and nothing actually changes. So think about when you if you're you know, if you're dating an addict or you're married to an addict, and you've done everything you can think of to try to get that person to change, and it never works. It doesn't matter how much you love them, they're not gonna change until they're ready. You can't make people want what they don't want. And when I stopped fighting people's resistance, I realized most of my frustration wasn't even about them, it was about my own need to control. You know, I wanted people to behave in ways that made me more comfortable. But the truth is, you know, real leadership, real love isn't control, it's acceptance, which is one of the things that we talk about a lot in recovery is acceptance. So the let them theory sounds simple, but what it really is is a masterclass on emotional intelligence, emotional freedom. And when you're you know, when you say let them, you're saying I'm done begging people to see my value. I'm done trying to convince people to respect me, I'm done chasing people who don't choose me. Let them walk away, let them misunderstand you, let them be inconsistent. You don't have to convince anyone to stay who doesn't want to. That could be an employee, that could be a relationship, could be a friend. And here's what's wild when you start letting people go their own way, you make space for those who actually are in alignment with you. So imagine carrying a heavy backpack of other people's expectations. So every time you try to fix someone, you throw another brick inside that backpack. And the moment you take that backpack off, you can breathe. You can and and think about how much lighter you will feel if if you were just life was a little bit more simpler, right? The other half of that let them theory is something most people miss. It's not just let them, it's also let me be me. Let people choose what they want and let me choose to be peaceful, let them talk shit about me, let me stay focused, right? Let them drift, let me detach with grace. That's where the real change happens. Not when you change them, but when you change your response. And I had that space I was talking about, and the ability to start asking, what do I want? What's actually mine to carry, and what's none of my business, and when you let them, it frees you from the illusion of control, it brings you back to your center. Now it does this doesn't mean that you tolerate abuse or neglect or disrespect. That's a difference between there's a big difference between letting people be themselves and letting them mistreat you. If someone crosses your boundaries, you have to let them go, not keep hurting you. You know, I had to learn this the hard way. I used to confuse being passive with being peaceful, but peace isn't passive. Peace is power under control, and sometimes letting go of someone is the most loving thing that you can do for you and for them. So the question becomes, what are you, you know, where are you focusing? What are you focusing on? Who are you who are you forcing to stay around that they don't really need to be around? You know, who are you, you know, where are you ref, I guess, refusing to let yourself live free? That's a hard question, but I think it's one that should be asked. You know, and control and addiction go hand in hand. It's the illusion of power, is what it is. When I was drinking, I thought control was power. I controlled how I appeared to other people, how much they knew, what I let them see. I controlled conversations, deflected questions, managed every story so I wouldn't have to face the truth. But the truth was I was completely out of control. You know, addiction and control are twins, both born out of fear. Fear of being seen, fear of rejection, fear of being powerless. And the drink gave me the illusion that I was in control of how I felt, just like I tried to control how people acted around me. Both were lies. You know, this let them theory didn't just free me from trying to fix people, it freed me from trying to fix my pain through control. You know, I had to learn the hardest lesson of all. The more you try to control, the more you lose. When I first got, you know, when I first got sober, I wanted everybody around me to change as well. I thought if they drank, I would drink. If they didn't understand recovery, they didn't belong in my life. And man, that caused a lot of tension. You know, I was trying to pull everyone into my onto my path, my rules, my lifestyle. But I was just recreating the same control I lived in during addiction. Same exact thing. Until I learned this, let them theory, let them drink, let them not understand, let them talk behind my back, let them live their own life. Because my my sobriety doesn't depend on their choices, it depends on my choices, and that was a turning point for me. I stopped fighting everybody else's behavior and started focusing on my own, you know. And the minute I stopped trying to fix everybody else, I became more peaceful. You know, control made me a rescuer. Uh I couldn't stand watching people struggle. I jump in, overcommit, try to fix everything. But in recovery, I realized people need to hit their own their own bottom. I mean, I had to hit my own bottom. And no one could save me until I was ready to save myself. So now when I see someone going down the path that looks familiar, I just take a breath and just say, let them go on their own path, let them fall, let them learn, let them find their own truth. Because if you rob someone of their pain, you also rob them of their power. And when I stopped rescuing everyone, I started healing myself. I stopped bleeding energy into other people's shit. And the beautiful thing is some of them did change, but it wasn't because I pushed them, it wasn't because it was because I showed up differently and modeled a more peaceful human being, truthfully. And there's a saying in recovery: when you get better, not everyone comes with you. And that's the truth. And that hit me hard, and it was true for me. You know, some people I drank with couldn't be around, you know, the sober me. Others didn't like the new boundaries I had set up. And then some just kind of faded away. And the old me would have begged them to stay. I'd have, I would have explained, justified, convinced, negotiated. I mean, I'm a sales guy. So now just I just say let them, right? Let them leave, let them think what they want, let them live their own story while I live mine. Because here's what I've learned if someone absence brings you peace, you didn't lose anything. And this theory isn't just about letting people go, it's about letting go of the version of yourself that needed their approval. Let that sink in. And that's where the growth begins. So one of the hardest one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in recovery was that love without well, love without boundaries isn't really love. It's chaos, which I was pretty damn used to. And when I was drinking, I had no boundaries. I said yes when I really wanted to say no. I forgave people before I even realized how much pain it was causing me. I'd let people walk all over me just so I wouldn't feel rejected. And when I stopped drinking, I thought I was finally strong, but without boundaries, I was still exhausted, still resentful, still angry that people didn't respect the limits that I never communicated to them. You know, when somebody pushes your boundaries, that's okay. Let them let them reveal who they are and then let me decide what I will and won't allow. And that's not saying that you don't love that person. It's saying that I've I'm gonna put a fence around me. I'm gonna put a fence around the love that I show other people, and it's not control. It's for me, it's clarity. And when you're, you know, when you're new in recovery, everybody has opinions. Family tells you what to do, friends tell you what to do, test your boundaries, people want to tempt you. Not because they're trying to be um malicious, but they're just ignorant. You know, I used to waste so much energy trying to make people understand my sobriety. You know, I just can't really, I you know, I just can't have one. They'd push back. I'd over-explain, argue, justify. Until I learned this, and I just said to myself, let them think whatever they want. Let them think I'm boring, let them think I'm too serious, let them not understand because my recovery isn't a group project, it's mine. And the moment I stopped defending my choices, I stopped feeling triggered. You know, I realized that protecting myself, myself, mattered more than convincing anyone of anything, including you. You know, letting go of control doesn't apply to others. It it also applies to emotions as well. So when I was drinking, I avoided feelings like the plague. I felt anger, I drank. I felt guilt, I drank. If I felt sadness, guess what? I drink. And recovery has taught me that feelings aren't fatal. Feelings are for me, they are teachers. So now when somebody's angry at me, let them be angry. I don't jump in to try to prove my point or fix it. When someone's disappointed, that's okay. Let them be disappointed. It's not my job to manage their emotions. When I let them feel what they feel, I get to feel what I feel. I stop reacting and start responding. You know, there's a saying that I love you can't teach people by lecturing them, you teach them by living differently. And when I was drinking, I tried to control how people saw me. Now I try to hopefully inspire people by how I live. You know, I think this theory, I don't think, this theory has reshaped how I lead at work, at home, even in my recovery circles. I stopped trying to change people through pressure. Instead, I started living my message quietly and consistently. Now it's not that quiet here on the podcast, but that's a different story, I suppose. You know, when you when you change your mindset, people notice. They see that you're calmer, they you have boundaries, they see that you're happier, and they start to think maybe, maybe this sobriety thing works. Maybe I should try the same thing. And that's really how people change. Not when you tell them to, that never works, but when they watch you transform and realize they can do it too. If a guy like me can do it, dude, anybody can do it. And that's the that's the God's honest truth. You know, one of the one of the hardest lessons for me in recovery was learning to let people be wrong about me. When I got sober, not everybody understood. Some people thought it was a phase, others said, Corey, you've changed too much or you haven't changed enough. And at first, I tried to explain myself to everyone. I'd over-clarify, I'd over-apologize, over-compensate. I wanted people to see my heart, but but here's what I learned when someone's determined to misunderstand you, there's nothing you can say that'll change their mind. So let them, right? Let them talk shit, let them misunderstand you, let them have their own version of your story. Because the truth doesn't need defending, it just needs some time for you to keep showing up your authentic self, you know. In addiction, dude, I collected resentments like trophies. Every wrong, every betrayal, every time somebody didn't show up for me, I held on to it. You know, and I realized slowly after I got sober, resentment was just a poison that I kept drinking hoping it would hurt somebody else. And how crazy is that? You know, this let them theory has taught me to forgive people, not as a gift to others, but a freedom for myself. Let them go. Like let them off the hook, let them live their own story because I need to live mine. And forgiveness doesn't mean you invite them back into your life, it just means that you no longer control, they no longer control your peace. You don't need an apology to heal. You just need to stop waiting for an apology. You know, let yourself be human. One of the biggest challenges I faced in recovery is forgiving myself. You know, I used to think recovery meant perfection, no mistakes, no slip-ups, no bad days. But that's just not how my recovery worked. You know, that's just a lot of pressure disguised as progress, if you will. So now I have to remind myself I need to let myself be human and let them be human. Some days I'm centered, some days I'm short-tempered, some days I feel grateful. I do feel grateful every morning. And then there's days I feel restless, and that's just freaking life, dude. That's life, that's growth. The goal isn't to never fall, is to get up faster and softer and wiser each time. And here's the spiritual side of of let them let them become let go and let God. When I stopped, when I tried to control people, I was playing God, deciding what other people need to do and how they should act and who they should become. Recovery taught me to surrender, like real surrender. Not giving up. That's not what I'm talking about, but giving it over. Let people live, let them learn their own lessons, let them walk their own path, and trust that whatever is meant for you won't pass you by. You know, that surrender, that spiritual trust is what finally gave me peace of mind. It's what allowed me to stop forcing, stop clinging, stop well, and start flowing. You've heard people talk about being in flow. You know when you're in flow and when you're not, and you can't force being in flow, from my experience. You know, there's a lot of freedom in acceptance in acceptance. I spent most of my life trying to change people who didn't want to change. And in the process, I became the one who needed changing. Now, you know, freedom to me means I don't need people to act a certain way for me to be okay. When I just let them, like really let them be who they are. I stopped arguing, I stopped arguing with reality, I stopped fighting life. Freedom isn't found in control, it's found in acceptance. And when you get to that place, your nervous system finally relaxes, you can breathe. Your energy isn't scattered in a hundred different directions, and you realize I'm free because I'm no longer trying to force the thing I've been trying to force. You know, I used to think influence meant persuading people, and sometimes it does mean that. But in this context, it doesn't mean persuading people, convincing people, inspiring them, dragging them toward a better version of themselves doesn't work. You know, real influence is quiet, how you carry yourself, consistency, discipline, it's integrity when nobody else is watching. You know, when I stopped preaching recovery and just did recovery, people started asking questions. When I stopped telling people how to live and just showed up like the person you see today, they people start to lean in, they start asking you questions. You know, when you stop trying to change people, your peace becomes magnetic. You start influencing without any effort. You know, this theory of let them turn into a lifestyle. It's no longer about relationships, it's about identity. You know, let people be judgmental, I'll be compassionate. Let people rush, I'll move with purpose, let them gossip, I'll guard myself with peace, let them doubt me, I'll keep showing up. Because the most liberating truth I've learned in recovery is that my life is mine to live, not theirs to approve. And when I live that truth every day, one decision at a time, one day at a time, I don't need permission anymore. I just need alignment. The let them theory isn't about indifference, it's about deep respect, respect for others, and respect for yourself. You know, today I trust life, I trust growth, I trust timing. You know, I stopped trying to be the sculptor of everyone else's destiny and finally became the artist of my own. You know, picture yourself standing in a field at sunrise, and around you are all the people, the situations, the outcomes you've tried to control one by one. You unclench your fist, you open your hands, and just say to yourself, let them. And in that moment, everything you've been chasing starts to move towards you naturally. It's the laws of the universe because peace is magnetic. You can't make people change, but you can make yourself free, you can be more grounded, steady. And the people that are meant to grow with you can't help but to rise with you, grow with you, and that's the miracle of letting them do their own thing, and that's the power I'm talking about. That's the freedom. And so before we wrap up, I want to leave you with a quick tool that's helped me turn awareness into actual change, and it's called the five wise method. Wise is uh W-H-Y-S. It sometimes sounds like I say W-I-S-E, but it's wise. Like, why am I doing this? It's simple, but it you know, it changed how I saw everything. And the idea is whenever you're upset or feeling controlling or triggered or trying to fix someone else, don't ask what's wrong with them. Ask why it's bothering you. And keep asking that question until you get to the root of it. And here's How it works, you know. Why am I pissed off? Because they didn't listen. Why does that bother me? Because I wanted to help them. Why do I need or why do I need them to take my help? Because if they do, I feel useful. Why do I need to feel useful? Because I'm scared of being irrelevant. Why do I fear being irrelevant? Because deep down I still tie my worth to being needed. And right there, boom, that's the truth. It was never about them, it was about me. You know, every why takes you from control to clarity. And by that fifth why, you stopped blaming others and started understanding yourself. And in recovery, this tool became a mirror. Every resentment, every relapse thought, every urge to manage someone else's shit. It all had a deeper root. You know, and these this five whys helped me figure all that out, face it, and let it go. So the next time you feel triggered, don't react. Get curious. Sit still, take a deep breath, and ask, why is this really bothering me? Ask again and again and again until you reach the answer, and it's always going to come back to you. You know, that's where change happens. Not when others do what you want them to do, but when you finally see why you wanted them to do it in the first place, let them be who they are. Let yourself understand why you care. And then you can choose to handle things differently. So this has been a very powerful thing in my life. Go check out Mel Robbins' book, The Let Them Theory. It's amazing. It is probably going to resonate with you. If you listen to this podcast, you need to go check out her book. It's a it's it's phenomenal. So look, I appreciate you hanging with me on this Friday. I appreciate if it is Friday, whatever day it is for you. This comes out every Friday at 4 a.m. And so if you could subscribe to the podcast, leave us a review, share it with somebody that maybe needs to hear this. And I know this was a deep conversation today, but I think it was important. Obviously, I thought it was important enough to have a conversation about it with you. So go back and re listen to it and go listen to her book or read her book, whichever you so choose. And we'll see you next Friday.