Successful Life Podcast
The Successful Life Podcast, hosted by Corey Berrier, is a globally recognized show ranking in the top 2% of podcasts worldwide. This powerful platform is dedicated to helping individuals break free from addiction, rebuild their lives, and grow into the best version of themselves—physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Each episode explores the real stories and strategies behind long-term recovery, personal development, and overall wellness. From navigating sobriety and emotional healing to mastering fitness, diet, and daily discipline, Corey dives deep with guests and experts to uncover what it truly takes to create lasting transformation. Whether you’re on a journey of recovery, looking to improve your mental health, or simply striving to live a stronger, more intentional life—this podcast is your guide.
Successful Life Podcast
Looking in the Mirror Changed Everything About My Recovery
Have you ever found yourself staring into a mirror that refuses to lie to you? That's exactly what the Fourth Step of recovery feels like. When I first heard those words—"made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"—I knew it would be difficult. What I didn't anticipate was how completely it would transform my understanding of myself and my relationships.
The Fourth Step shattered my victim mentality. After a devastating breakup, I finally faced the painful truth that had been hiding in plain sight: I was textbook codependent. Rather than honest communication, I'd built relationships around people-pleasing, manipulation, and control. I thought I was doing things for others, but I was really seeking approval and making other people my Higher Power. The realization cut deep—not only had I lost a relationship, but I'd lost my center, drifted from my program, and abandoned the principles that had saved my life.
This powerful inventory process revealed how I'd been the same person in every relationship, wondering why they all ended the same way. I'd accumulated silent resentments by not speaking up about my needs or setting boundaries. I'd blamed others when I was really responsible for my own happiness and wellbeing. The Fourth Step isn't just about listing your flaws—it's about taking ownership of your story and stopping the cycle of blame that keeps you stuck. It's a reset button, a tool for ongoing growth that becomes more valuable each time you return to it with greater honesty.
Whether you're in recovery or simply seeking personal growth, this episode offers insights into how unspoken boundaries create resentments, how fear of disapproval prevents authentic communication, and how taking responsibility transforms relationships from the inside out. Recovery isn't just about sobriety—it's about becoming the person you were always meant to be. I wouldn't trade the painful lessons of the Fourth Step for anything, because they've allowed me to finally live an authentic life. If you're struggling with relationships or feeling stuck in old patterns, this might be exactly what you need to hear today. Subscribe and share this episode with someone who needs these insights as much as I once did.
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Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast. I'm your host, Corey Berrier, and this show is about transformation inside and out. And today I'm going to share with you one of the most powerful parts of my recovery the fourth step, the mirror and the painful truths that changed everything. You know, when I first heard about the fourth step, which is titled, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves I knew it was going to be hard, but what I didn't know is just how much it was going to demand of me, or from me, I should say and here's the hardest part from being truthful with you and I am obviously is the fourth step is like a. It's like a mirror. It doesn't lie, there's no sugarcoating Hell. It doesn't even let you blame everyone else, which was the hardest thing for me, because I wanted to blame everybody else. And this part of the step, this step specifically, it really is where the rubber hits the road, as they say. This is where it becomes real, and I've done a few fourth steps over the years, but the one I did about two years ago was very different from the one that I did when I first came into the rooms, and so I hadn't done a fourth step at this point, I hadn't done a fourth step in I guess over a decade and I was angry.
Corey Berrier:I was angry at my ex-wife, and so I put everything down. I wrote everything down in the columns. There's four different columns, and the first column is who you're resentful towards. I wrote every single thing down, every moment that I felt betrayed, every story that I'd been telling myself and I was, needless to say, I was emotionally charged, charged, and at first it felt like a release because I got to look deeper and I had to admit something painful I had allowed those things to take place. We were in a toxic, codependent relationship. We enabled each other to manipulate, control and it kept us stuck, and I'm not going to share about her, necessarily, but I wasn't the victim. I can tell you that, and I thought for sure I was the victim. I played the victim. I can tell you that, and I thought for sure I was the victim. I played the victim card. But the truth is I was a willing participant in that situation.
Corey Berrier:I allowed those things to happen and you know, one of the things that I found very beneficial to do in this fourth step, in this columns while I was angry, while I was resentful and while I was upset and truthfully I despised the situation, I despised my ex-wife, which was a hard pill to swallow because I had lied to myself for so many years saying this was a good situation. And here's the crazy part. You know, I'll lie to myself quicker than I'll lie to you. I'll tell you things are okay when they're not and it's just a default and that's my ego, like, if things are not going well, I should be okay saying they're not going well. But I wasn't able to do that and I'll get to later on in the show why those things happened the way they did. But it was simply my own stuff. It was the things I allowed in my life and the things that I allowed to become toxic were all my fault. They didn't have anything to do with her, they had everything to do with me, and I didn't discover this until later on. And so I went through that fourth step, as painful as it was, and I put down all the things that I was upset about, and a lot of them, if I'm being truthful with you, is things I couldn't control. But I wanted to control things that I tried to control.
Corey Berrier:And look, my experience now has been that I can't control anything. I can't control what my employees do. I can't control what my employees do. I can't control what my boss does. I can't control what Maddie does. I can't control what the guy in the meeting is sharing about. I can't control that someone overcharges me for my credit card. I can't control any of that. Now, I can be aware of those things and check myself and figure out all right, what is my mode? If somebody overcharges me on my credit card, well, I can fix that, but I can't control that. They did it at the beginning. I can't be upset because they did it at the beginning. They're human beings, just like you, just like me. We're both just human beings that are just trying to live in this world, and it was.
Corey Berrier:You know, the control thing is a really it was a really hard thing for me to really hard pill for me to swallow that I couldn't control things and people and outcomes, and it almost drove me insane and I just didn't realize it. I didn't know that I was so controlling and so manipulative really. And so the last fourth step I did, and as you stay in recovery, you're going to have to do multiple fourth steps and they're not the end of the world, because if you get everything down on paper that first go round, then you really should be doing kind of a spot check. Fourth step, if you will, you know, throughout your sobriety. But it is important to check yourself and realize am I showing up like the same guy that I used to show up as? And I remember, you know, I wasn't drinking when I was with my ex-wife, but I was still I dried drunk and so I still had the same control issues. I had the same control issues. I had the same manipulation issues. I was the same guy, I just wasn't pouring alcohol in me. And that's a rough spot to be in. It's a really rough, especially without having a program at the time. It's the last.
Corey Berrier:Fourth step that I did was after Maddie and I broke up in February. I was devastated. I couldn't see straight I mean, I was so devastated is probably an understatement and I thought she was completely in the wrong. I thought I had done everything right. Here comes that egotistical person again right, and I did a lot of things that weren't right, even though my intentions, I thought, were pure. There was a lot of underlying issues from my childhood that were rearing their ugly head and I didn't even know. I had really no idea, even know, like I had really no idea.
Corey Berrier:You know, one of the things I'll give you an example is I would do things for her. Like I would go to the store and think about the shampoo was out and I would just buy the shampoo and think, oh, she'll really appreciate that. But there are certain things that some people appreciate and some people don't, and like that's at the bottom of her list of things to care about, even though I thought I was doing this thing. But really what I was doing was I was solving an issue inside of me which was I'm going to buy this thing for her and she's going to love me. It just doesn't work that way. Or I'm going to mow her yard and she's going to love me, or I'm going to do this and she's going to love me. I'm going to keep doing these things and she'll keep loving me. And that is a terrible recipe because it doesn't work. So really that's a form for me.
Corey Berrier:Anyhow, that was a form of manipulation. I was manipulating the situation to maintain this relationship and it didn't work Like it didn't work, and something that she said to me one day. She only said it once, but she said you know, I think you're codependent. It hit me hard and it stirred up anger, confusion, stuff that I couldn't even explain. Deep down, though, I knew that feeling meant something, but of course I pushed it to the side and thought I can't believe. She said that. You know she's wrong. She's probably the one that's codependent. You know, of course, I blamed it all on her.
Corey Berrier:So after we broke up, I started digging. I read about 10 different books, literally on codependency, and what I found shook me, because I was textbook codependent. I built our relationship around lies that I was telling myself I thought I was doing all those things for her. The truth is I was people-pleasing. I didn't speak up and ultimately as humbling as it feels to say this I made her my higher power. She was in the God seat and, you know, I let up on my prayer life. I let up on my meetings. I let up on my prayer life. I let up on my meetings. I let up on my sponsees. I slowly built my life around her and what I thought she needed. You know, of course, I didn't ask her what she needed or wanted. I just assumed that I knew, because I knew everything. That's you know the story of my life, it seems like.
Corey Berrier:But that realization of being codependent cut deep. Not only had I lost a relationship, but I'd lost my center. As I mentioned, I stopped going to meetings and I wasn't as present with my sponsees and I was drifting from the program. And then I saw it clearly, crystal clear, crystal clear. It wasn't about her, this was about me. This was about me taking responsibility for my life again and so going through this.
Corey Berrier:They say that pain is the great motivator For me. It is. You know, they say that pain is the great motivator For me. It is, and I was in so much pain through this breakup that I had no other choice than to do the work and look at myself and figure out why this happened. You know, as I look back in all my personal relationships, romantic relationships, it's the same story that played out in all those relationships I was the same guy acting the same way and all the relationships ended. And that's tough. That's tough to have to look at my part and admit I was the reason those relationships ended.
Corey Berrier:I was the reason I couldn't do well at a job, or that I would lose a job or that I didn't get what I wanted from the job. I didn't get the salary I wanted because I was too afraid to ask. It was paralyzing to ask for what I wanted, because the fear would be that I wouldn't get approval. I was seeking approval from other people, whether it be my boss, whether it be my girlfriend, whether it be some people in the rooms, whether it be an employee. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to think I was a good person, and so I would just not say anything If things didn't go the way. I wanted them to think I was a good person, and so I would just not say anything. If things didn't go the way I wanted them to go, or if things weren't meshing the right way, I would just not say anything.
Corey Berrier:Now think about this. I'm sure this has happened to you. As an example example, let's say that you really enjoy the house being clean. I'll just use that as a simple example. And so let's say you jump into a relationship and the house is not clean because your partner is not messy and I'm not obviously I'm not referring to Maddie in this situation, it's just an example here and so you say to yourself well, you know this is okay. Like I can deal with this mess. I can deal with, you know, them leaving their underwear on the floor or them not putting the toilet paper back or, as a man, not putting the seat down If you're a woman, I'm sure you've experienced a man doing that I can just deal with the seat being up when I go to sit on the toilet at 3 o'clock in the morning in the dark, well, you shouldn't have to deal with that. You could just tell your partner, hey, like can you put the seat back down? I almost fell in the toilet, but instead you just say nothing because you don't want to upset them, you don't want to rock the boat, things are good.
Corey Berrier:And so those little things house not being clean, the toilet being down or the toilet being up, rather the underwear on the floor all those things start to build resentments. And as those resentments, they may seem real small, but when you start stacking those resentments up, now you've got a big resentment. And now you resent that person that you're living with because of all the things that you didn't speak up about. I'm not suggesting that you need to be a butthole about it. That's probably not going to get you very far, but just having a genuine conversation with your partner if you're a woman is an example. Hey dude, do you mind just putting that toilet seat down? I almost fell in the toilet at 3 am and any good partner is going to say you know, I don't want you to have to go through that, so I'm going to make sure I do a better job of it.
Corey Berrier:If you're like me, it may take a couple of times to remember and it may take a couple of conversations, but speaking up is very important. It's important to your own mental health. It was important to my mental health and I didn't know that I was harboring these resentments. I had no idea. And so after I did that fourth step and realized all of these things, I started over. I plugged back into the rooms. I started working the steps like it was my first year again. I got honest with myself. I got honest with my sponsor. I got honest with myself. I got honest with my sponsor. I got honest with God.
Corey Berrier:And that breakup didn't just end a relationship. It started my recovery for real and I wouldn't trade that for the world. I wouldn't wish anyone to go through that amount of pain, unless you get the result that I've gotten, which is, you know, now I'm able to have those conversations, I'm able to say, hey, this thing bothers me, can we change it? And maybe it's something that we gotta come to an agreement on, that we meet halfway, or maybe it's the toilet seat, maybe it's something stupid, but we've agreed her and I both have agreed not to let these things affect our relationship, and it's changed everything, because we are honest with one another, even though sometimes honest conversations are difficult. The end result is I'm clearing my side of the street, I'm making sure that I'm speaking up about the things that bother me and I'm not harboring resentment, most importantly.
Corey Berrier:And so the fourth step isn't a one-time deal, it's not something that you check off. For me, it's a tool, a reset. It's the truth. This is where you stop blaming and you start owning your own stuff. That's what makes it so powerful, that's what makes it painful. Two things can exist at the same time. But it's also what makes it work, and I hope that, if you're listening to this, that you've taken something away today. Think about this in your own life, you know. Think about the little things that you've let build up, the little things that have developed into a resentment towards your partner, or maybe towards somebody in the rooms, or maybe towards a co-worker partner, or maybe towards somebody in the rooms, or maybe towards a co-worker. You know, maybe I'll give you a co-worker example, and this is not a real-time example now.
Corey Berrier:But let's say you've got an 8 o'clock meeting planned, and every single week it's once a week, hypothetically and half your staff's late every single week and half your staff's late every single week. And so instead of saying hey, the meeting starts at 8 o'clock, if you're not here at 8 o'clock, you won't be able to join in on the meeting, you just let it slide and you continue to let it slide Every week. It eats at you, it bothers you, it makes you upset at those people that are late because they're being late. They're doing it to you, right, so to speak. They're not really doing it to you. You didn't speak up and say the cutoff time is 8 am. If you're not here by 8 am, you're not going to join the meeting.
Corey Berrier:And so these are boundaries that you are going to want to set and it is a prevention from building a resentment down in the future, right, because that thing is going to affect so the guys that are late, as an example, and they call you at 8 o'clock at night for a favor, you may not answer that phone call because you think well, that SOB can't even make it to the meeting on time, I'm not going to go out of my way to answer that call. And now the result of that is he didn't complete the sale because he needed your help. You were too egotistical to answer the phone and the sale didn't go through. And now the company suffers because you didn't speak up about being on time for the meeting. Do you see how these I mean it's like a snowball effect. It starts with not speaking up about the meeting, then it goes to resenting the people that are late because you aren't speaking up, and then it goes to I'm going to get in my ego and my pride and I'm not going to answer the phone because he's late and he's doing this to me and all that's not true. You did it to yourself because you didn't speak up and say the meeting starts at 8 am. You need to be in your seat by 8 am. If you don't set those parameters, those boundaries, they're going to be late every time and those resentments are going to build and you're going to suffer because you didn't speak up. So if you're avoiding this step and a lot of people do, because it's a hard, hard thing to look at. It's a hard thing to look at all the damage you've done in the past. It's a hard thing to look at all the people that you've hurt. It's really hard to look at that you're the only one that's responsible the only one that's responsible.
Corey Berrier:So I know I haven't glamorized the fourth step today, but here's what I can tell you that fourth step has allowed me to heal. That fourth step's allowed me to become the person that I am today. It's allowed me to go to the next step. It's allowed me to work with other people through this exact same step. I'm working with a sponsor right now through this step and he's going through the same thing that I went through with when my wife and I split Same exact thing and I get to share my experience with him and it's invaluable. And what I love about this is it fills my cup up to be able to help another man through something I've gone through.
Corey Berrier:If I haven't gone through it, I can't help you with it. I can suggest that you talk to somebody else probably even give you a name. But if you're avoiding this step, don't. If you think you've already done it and you never need to do it again, think again, because you're not perfect. We're not. You know. We're not rendered white as snow, as the big book says. As the big book says, if today's episode spoke to you, I'm going to ask you to do me a favor. Leave me a five-star review on Apple Podcast or Spotify. Share it with someone who's stuck in their story, who may use this as an opportunity to get better, to recover. Thank you for listening to the Successful Life Podcast, and recovery is just the beginning. Let me know if I can help you. Let me know what you want me to talk about on the show. I'm really enjoying this new direction. I appreciate you and we'll see you next Friday.