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Successful Life Podcast
The Successful Life Podcast, hosted by Corey Berrier, is a globally recognized show that ranks in the top 2% of podcasts worldwide. It offers expert insights tailored for contractors, focusing on business strategies, sales skills development, and the integration of artificial intelligence (AI) in the industry.
Successful Life Podcast
Unlocking Success: Laura Kelly on Mindset Shifts, Values, and the Power of Gratitude
What if 80% of your success relied solely on your mindset? Join us for an insightful conversation with Laura Kelly, who shares her wisdom on how aligning your values with happiness and setting challenging goals can pave the high road to success. Drawing inspiration from her transformative experience with Tony Robbins, Laura reveals the power of personal values and how understanding the rules we attach to them can lead to a more joyful and fulfilling life. Get ready to explore the psychology behind success and how a mindset shift can be the key to unlocking your potential.
In this episode, we dive into the nuances of personal connections and fulfillment. Discover how redefining your emotional needs beyond physical intimacy can enhance your sense of love and connection. We venture into the realm of gratitude and the practice of priming, highlighting how these tools can shift your focus toward positivity and improve your overall quality of life. Laura and I discuss how setting realistic, self-attainable rules can be transformative, and how a positive mental state can lead to better physical health and stronger relationships.
As we wrap up, we tackle the often-overlooked concept of the "primary question" and its role in shaping our lives. By reframing these subconscious inquiries, we open up new avenues for personal growth and contribution. Learn how to start each day with gratitude and empowering questions that align with your values, setting the stage for a harmonious and productive future. Laura's journey provides practical insights into embracing ease, letting go of control, and finding tranquility through mindset shifts. Tune in to discover how you can ask the right questions to steer your life toward growth, self-acceptance, and a fulfilling 2025.
https://www.growwithclover.com/
https://www.audible.com/pd/9-Simple-Steps-to-Sell-More-ht-Audiobook/B0D4SJYD4Q?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=library_overflow
https://www.amazon.com/Simple-Steps-Sell-More-Stereotypes-ebook/dp/B0BRNSFYG6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1OSB7HX6FQMHS&keywords=corey+berrier&qid=1674232549&sprefix=%2Caps%2C93&sr=8-1
https://www.linkedin.com/in/coreysalescoach/
Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast. I'm your host, Corey Barrier, and I'm here with the one and only Laura Kelly.
Speaker 2:Hey, Laura to bring everything that, uh, I inherited and learned and, I think, conducively endured over the course of 2024, and bring that, uh, bring that insight, that, that knowledge, that wisdom to your audience today and and share what, as as we in clover there, we've been very lucky to speak with like hundreds and hundreds of businesses, and there's this common pattern that I see everywhere and I have seen everywhere for most of my career, that 80 of success is psychology and and 20 is the mechanics. Like 20 of skill, 80 is really how is our psychology is how we, how we behave, how we interact with the world, our beliefs, our values and how we speak to ourselves. So today I would be stoked to share with you the three variables that are very omnipresent amid high performers and how they set themselves up for more success around, predominantly around how they think. And what was interesting is I am I. My undergrad is psychology, my undergrad was psychology, so that's kind of where my, my, my journey all started and into really understanding humans and I. I read a book from Tony Robbins and since that day I was hooked on him. I was like this guy is just a fricking genius. So I've always had a desire to spend more time with him and Josh, two Christmases ago, purchased a ticket for me to spend six days with him and they were like 16 to 18 hour days, hour days, and gosh Corey, what I discovered about myself was so profound and I was just surrounded by such incredible humans and it just, it just solidified the patterns I've seen in humans for just so long now, and I'm excited to share some of those things.
Speaker 2:So the the one of the things that sticks out for for me is a phrase that he says. He says most people have a highway to unhappiness and a dirt road to happiness, and the goal is to really switch that around. So how can we have a high road to happiness and make it quite difficult for ourselves to experience unhappiness, happiness and make it quite difficult for ourselves to experience unhappiness? And so how that kind of conversation transformed with Tony was he had me look at my values and he suggests that we all make our values so conducive to us experiencing happiness. And then we make our goals, the things that are hard and that push us and that stretch us and that inspire us, but our values are things that are achievable.
Speaker 2:So I encourage you, know you, even here today. So I encourage you know you, even here today, corey, to ask yourself. We've all heard the word, we've all heard the term values, but many people, many people don't intentionally set their values. Their values are set for them by just exposure to life. And if we really assess, not what we would desire our values to be, but what they actually are like, whether we like that or not, what are they really? So my encouragement to you, even here, corey, if you're comfortable to do this, is like what are? Are you comfortable with us kind of going back and forth on this A hundred percent.
Speaker 2:What are your? What are your top five current values? Do you believe Not what you'd like them to be? What are they actually?
Speaker 1:The first one is, for sure, honesty. Okay, I believe, yeah, I believe that honesty it really starts with honesty. The second one would be vulnerability.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:The third one would be I think I don't know if genuineness would fall in those two categories, but I believe that could be a third one. The the.
Speaker 2:The thing with values is it doesn't have to if, if a val, if so, if a word, it causes an emotional response to you and it moves you in. Either it moves you in a direction, whether it's conducive or not, because right now we're not necessarily intentionally setting values. We're becoming aware of what the one, what are the ones that are currently driving us. It doesn't matter like, it doesn't matter what term you give that like for me, like like success could create an emotional, visceral response for one individual and fulfillment could cause. It could mean this. I think I know you well enough now to know that there's enough vigor around, like your willingness and desire to know yourself, that you've probably quite a solid idea as to what drives you. So so, so honesty, vulnerability, you said genuineness, what are your, what are the, what are the other two?
Speaker 1:I would say learn, uh say learning has become pretty valuable. And success in two different ways right. There's, you know, obviously there's a financial success. There's success knowing that you're making a change.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Then there's a success in my relationship with Maddie, as an example, For sure. So I know that was a little bit more than what you asked, but I have to break it down like that no, it's, it's great.
Speaker 2:It's great because it's because I. Success means different things to success means different things to different people, and one person's definition of success does not necessarily have to be yours mine. I certainly, certainly, you know I would encourage anyone away from that reality. Success is what you believe success to be. So I ask you that question for a few reasons. A lot of people have values. Some are more intentional about selling, selling them and others are not. It sounds like it sounds like yours are, you know, relatively conducive.
Speaker 2:The interesting thing I discovered at Tony was that we have values, that we have values that we either intentionally set or are set for us. But my next question to you, corey, would be what rules do you associate with each value? So what a lot of people do is they say, ok, my top highest value might be six. So for me, my values were not as actually actually conducive at all, they were success achievement. It was shit that it was. So he encouraged you to look at your values and then say, okay, based on these top five values, do you think you're on a track to greater success or greater suffering? And I was totally on a track to greater suffering. In what?
Speaker 1:way.
Speaker 2:So it's a great question and it brings me to the, to the point on rules. I, I, achievement and success were like. I wish I had my book now to refer back. We're like right up there at the top, but then I had rules. So everyone has a rule, has rules associated with their values, meaning what would have to happen in order for me to feel success? What would have to happen in order for me to feel success? What would have to happen in order for me to feel achievement? What would have to happen in order for me to feel love? What would have to happen in order for me to feel growth? What would have to happen in order for me to feel x and, for the most part, um.
Speaker 2:Our rules make the achievement of what we believe is our highest values very difficult to achieve. So for me, oh, it was so much wild shit, like excuse my language, but it was like. It was like so wild that it was like that that I was going to end. No wonder I had a dirt road that made me fall easier into not feeling so great about myself, into a highway, into not feeling so great about myself. I made it.
Speaker 2:The rules I had associated with my values were so wildly unattainable and harsh and shitty and not actually aligned with my essence, so I was able to shift mine to mine was. Mine now is like warmth, calmness, warmth, calmness, cheerfulness, growth. I have them all wrote out. I'm actually getting my board printed Worth calmness, cheerfulness, growth, and how my rules associated with each are like incredibly attainable. So now I have this blueprint for experiencing joy on an ongoing basis.
Speaker 2:So my encouragement to everybody listening, and my encouragement to you, Corey, would be to look at your values and say, OK, are these values conducive to me living a path of joy and fulfillment? Because, remember, our values are intended to bring us closer to joy, to allow us and not necessarily to challenge us to just bring us closer to our essence and to joy and to fulfillment. Our goals are there to push us and challenge us and to facilitate us growing. But then I would ask you to go a step deeper. What are the rules you have associated with each? So, what are the rules you have associated with honesty? What are the rules you have associated with vulnerability? What are the rules you've associated with generosity? And I would.
Speaker 1:That's a good one, so I think it's expectation actually yes, I think part of that is that I and I know I can't place expectations on other people because I'm likely going to get let down, but, as you said that, I realized that's also what I expect of other people 100%.
Speaker 2:We typically project our desires onto others and, as a result, measure them as to whether they are fulfilling a satisfactory measurement in our eyes, and that allows us fall into either judgment, dissatisfaction or appreciation. And if you're consistently living in dissatisfaction and not enoughness, either for yourself or your loved one or others, it's going to be very difficult to have one of your core human needs met, which is connection. So so, yeah, so. So my encouragement to listeners and to you, corey, would be to dig into what would have to happen in order for you to feel honesty. What would have to happen in order for you to feel vulnerability? What would have to happen in order for you to feel genuineness? What would have to happen in order for you to feel vulnerability? What would have to happen in order for you to feel genuineness? What would have to happen in order for you to feel learning? What would have to happen?
Speaker 2:So, for instance, if we took learning and values are the thing that attributes to us feeling successful and happy and joy and fulfilled, if it hypothetically was, I only experience learning if I read a chapter a day, or 20 pages a day and say, for instance, you miss a day because life happens. Now your criteria for fulfillment is not checked, so therefore you're less fulfilled because in your head, you don't hit your criteria of that value. So commonly, the values that we want to adhere to or live by might be good. They either could be good or inconduitive, unconducive and and and chances are, even if they're good. Like somebody I've coached recently, one of their highest values was love and the own. One of their rules for feeling loved was was if they had to have sex every day to feel loved.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:And if they didn't have sex every day, they didn't feel loved and in that moment they were like what the frick? That is so much pressure I'm putting upon my relationship and, like you know, life happens. I travel, they travel, that's a lot, travel, that's a lot. And this person had like such a wake up and realized that that is a like, that is not a rule I can associate with love, especially if it's my highest value and it was. It was just an unawareness and so many of us have rules associated with our values that make it so difficult for us to achieve true fulfillment and joy. It it is okay and this is it is okay to have a goal that would say I would like this. This is just hypothetical attributing to this guy I coached. It would be okay for him to have a goal to say I would like to be in a relationship that I felt, that I had. That my level of like, physical intimacy I would rate on a scale of eight to 10 or whatever. So there is a metric associated with that goal and that was a goal different, because then it forces perhaps conversation with his spouse and all of that and it facilitates a growth opportunity. But if it's the, if it's a variable associated with his highest value, and whether or not he feels fulfillment, joy or love. It's a very big problem.
Speaker 2:So my encouragement to everybody listening is know what your values are, and that is a very that is a popular suggestion on the path of personal development. But what isn't so popular is what are the rules you have associated with that value? Are you really setting yourself up to feel true joy? If love is what's most important to you, if success is what's most important to you, if contribution is what's most important to you, what are the rules associated with that? So like say, for instance, if contribution was most important to you, you can contribute in. I'm actually going to pull up my board here so I can like how you can make the achievement of these things far easier. So I'm going to pull up one of my values here Warmth is my top value.
Speaker 2:Right, anytime I act loving or have love in my heart or have loving energy, I fulfill my top value. How freaking easy that's going to happen. That is definitely going to happen. Calm, anytime I affirm my new primary question or take a breath, like I have so much control over that. It's so attainable.
Speaker 2:Health, health and vitality is my third Anytime I treat my body with love or respect, or anytime I exercise, or anytime I push my body to expand its present limits. Four cheerfulness, fun, laughter, anytime I make myself laugh or choose to engage in a source of laughter, or anytime I have a smile on my, a smile on my heart, or anytime I do something playful all so fricking, achievable. And values and rules are the paths to fulfillment. Goals are great, they, they, they inspire us, they force us to grow. They're very fricking, important, but they, they, they, they. A goal doesn't define who we are. It expands who we are. Our values and the rules associated with our values allow us to be in our true essence. So when I described what those values were, what I was describing was the rules I now have associated with those values, not what I previously had associated with those values.
Speaker 1:What were the values going into this?
Speaker 2:Oh, good, good, I know what they are, but I wish I had the rules. I wish I had my book. I actually took it to Ireland with me and I left it in the backseat of my sister's car. But I, they, they, they.
Speaker 2:My old values were success. My old values were achievement, and the shit that I had to accomplish to in order to achieve those, in order to feel those, oh my gosh, were so mean, they were so mean, they were so harsh. No wonder I was constantly berating myself and bouncing between anxiety and depression. I, like it's like this acknowledgement was just like oh, just joy, just peace. Just, you know, those weighted vests that people wear to to get their cardio up is like I, it's like I took one of those off and this was not just me, it was, it was three and a half thousand other people that were in the room with me. This exercise was so fricking profound and I just wish it for everybody.
Speaker 2:I want you to intentionally look at your values and be, but way beyond that is the rules associated with those values. There's for me, I have eight, and tony does encourage you to have eight, but the top three to five really, really drive your life and and that would be my, you know encouragement to you, cory, after this podcast, and to any of your listeners make happiness, so freaking, achievable, and the greater joy you experience on a day-to-day basis, the greater success you're going to be able to attract and bring into your life and your existence existence. So make joy achievable. How you do that is values and rules associated.
Speaker 1:that is how you you bring more joy into your life let me ask you this really quick yes, yeah, all right so let's get back to the guy that you coached and you said I want to. I think you said he wanted to be intimate each day with his partner.
Speaker 2:Yes, that was how that was he. Unless he got that, he didn't feel loved.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but is that a physical intimacy? Because you know there's, you know I understand that the physical part is important, but I also now understand that it's also just as important just to be with the person, regardless if you're intimate or not, but in a very present way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So my thought here and my hallucination is that you have that awareness he had, that he intellectually knew that to be true and would probably speak that out, but he never, until he tapped into his like unconscious way of operating, realized that that was a like. Many, many people could choose a rule that they believe they could choose a value and choose a desire for their life that they believe will bring them greater joy. But unless we choose a rule that facilitates joy being achieved with greater like frequency, it's going to be very difficult for us to experience true prosperity.
Speaker 2:So he now reassessed, and, yes, what he truly wants is connection. For sure, that's what he's, that's what he's absolutely seeking, that's what most of us humans are seeking, that is what he, that is what he wants, and there's so many ways of achieving that. And now his now. Anytime he experiences warmth in his heart when he sees, looks, feels, talks to his spouse, he has achieved one of his primary needs, one of his primary values. He was he. He he's now just giving himself the permission to feel the love that was always there. But prior he put this parameter on it that if he didn't, if the X didn't happen, he wasn't going to allow himself to experience true quotation marks love.
Speaker 1:It's interesting because you know, as you know, I'm in recovery and the opposite of addiction is connection. For sure, I mean recovery and the opposite of addiction is connection.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:Because when you're in addiction or when you're in, you know, a depressed state of mind or anxiety or whatever those things, there's a way to it's a way it fulfills that part in your soul that you are yearning for with that addiction or that depression or whatever it may be.
Speaker 2:A hundred percent. We, as humans, need love. We need connection. It makes us feel alive. It's one of the biggest attributes to long-term health. We need connection. It makes us feel alive. It's one of the biggest attributes to long-term health. A hundred percent. And for the most part, when we engage in unconducive behaviors, it is because we are lacking a sense of love and connection and we're trying to fill that void and we can fill that and with that awareness we can then create. We're aware that perhaps a high value, a high conducive value, would be love and connection and what would be some attainable rules I could associate with that value so I could experience that on an ongoing basis and not just experience it, acknowledge it and count it as count it. Count it. You know, you can. You can be experiencing love. You can be experiencing love all the time. But unless it's acknowledged, it's like a wasted opportunity for you to live into that emotion and live into that feeling.
Speaker 1:So when you say, when you say acknowledge, is that acknowledge for yourself or also acknowledged from the other person?
Speaker 2:what do mean?
Speaker 1:So you said when you acknowledge that love I can't remember exactly how you said it, but when you acknowledge that, I wasn't sure if you meant. I guess it'd be validation if you were looking for that acknowledgement from another person, from another person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I would be cautious to associate a rule that has to be that can only be achieved or experienced if an external force that you don't have control over delivers.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like, the rules have to be self-attainable. Yes, we can't control another, and if we seek to control another, what we're really doing is creating distance between others, between ourselves and others, and and and uh, one of the quickest ways to facilitate distance in between a masculine and a feminine is criticism. So the the my encouragement to you as you develop these and map these all out the rules have to be one that you can either self-observe, self-attain, self-perceive. Things that are within our own control To feel. Do, say, be experience, not determined upon another person acting a certain way or the world bringing a thing to you in a certain way.
Speaker 2:All of those things are outside of our control. What we have control over is our internal experience, our perception and, like I mentioned at the start, 80% of our success. And success means a different thing to different people. I think a broader term that encompasses more. People's definition of success is like true fulfillment, like waking up every day and truly having, like true appreciation for the day to come. That would be far easier attained if your rules are ones that you can influence. If your rules are ones that you can influence.
Speaker 1:You feel like you can't. So, as you know, and I send you my gratitude list. Part of the reason that I do that is because it some days it's it's a bit of a hack for me, because oh it's for sure it is. It's not like I wake up every day with gratitude. Some days I don't, but that forces me to look at the things that I'm grateful for.
Speaker 2:Such a good, good, good point, 100%. And it's back to the phrase that the reason most people have a highway to unhappiness is our brains are wired to protect us. Yeah, so so we're, so we're, so we're. We're wired in a way to acknowledge shit that puts us in danger, either real or imagined. So, therefore, what we are wired to pay attention to, we see more of. So what we're wired to acknowledge, and what we acknowledge, the things that we acknowledge the most, causes us to focus more on those, you know, more difficult scenarios of our life, and where focus goes, energy flows, and what you focus on, you get more of. So it's so easy.
Speaker 2:So the first thing when, typically when we wake up in the morning, very commonly, is like shit, I really want to stay in bed, it's so comfortable, I don't really want to get up, it's cold, I don't want to get up. So the first thoughts, or all of the things that we have to tackle that day, so the first thoughts are overwhelm, delay, procrastination, none of which fill us with vigor to go about a day of accomplishment and joy. So you can be a victim to those things and be and react based on those stimuli, which are just our freaking thoughts, or we can engage in an exercise that refocuses us to something that is conducive and how we start, how we start our day and what we what you choose to pay attention to you'll start to see more of. And what Corey does every morning is he writes down the thing he's grateful for and he sends them to people, so he's you're not just spreading gratitude, you're giving yourself the opportunity. Like a lot of people write books, because it's not necessarily for their audience, it's for them. A lot of people have podcasts. It's not necessarily for their audience, it's a great byproduct, but it helps them.
Speaker 2:The same thing with your gratitude list, like, you are giving yourself the opportunity every day to pay attention to the things in your life that are beautiful and, as a result, you're going to see more of them throughout the day and, as a result, you're giving yourself the opportunity to have a, to have an easier time having a highway to happiness. So my so, so since I left Tony, I have been there's an exercise, I've been sending a whole load of people and I just get a kick out of saying I want you to listen to this video, take 15 minutes and text me what you feel afterwards, and I have people texting me saying I'm crying. I have never fear, experienced so much joy, all these things, and all it is is an exercise where Tony takes you through it, and it's, it's, it's. You spend three minutes in gratitude, you spend three minutes in pride, you spend three minutes in priming.
Speaker 2:It is priming yeah, we should link it. I can link it in your show notes, it's called.
Speaker 1:Oh, I listened to it for years. I mean like years, it's awesome isn't it?
Speaker 2:And that's all you're doing, that's all he's doing, and I encourage everybody listening have some sort of a practice that overrides one's tendency to focus on what we have to do versus what we get to do, the obligations of life versus the blessings of life, the the to-do list versus the I get to list the pains in the asses of people that we perhaps have to speak to that day.
Speaker 2:But we could do, we can. But if you acknowledge all the things that are truly beautiful, or put or do a thing that you just know guarantees a more beautiful state for yourself, everything about your day, your hours, your tasks, your freaking duties of the day will be more joyful. I can promise you and I encourage you to take, give yourself that gift of. If you don't, if you can't take 10 minutes for yourself every day, like you don't have a life. Like 10 minutes to give yourself a greater hour, a greater two hours, a greater week, month, quarter, year, it's, it's, it's one of the most like people say when the morning, when the day, you just have to fricking, take 10 minutes.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have to be this profound two hour routine.
Speaker 1:That's right. So the other, the other thing that I found with the priming exercise is it shows you, you get to live an example of how powerful your mind is. I'll tell you a quick story. So I hurt my back years ago doing something in the gym and forever it bothered me and bothered me. Something in the gym, and forever it bothered me and bothered me. I started doing the priming exercise. I didn't have because when he says, you know, focus on your body and where you're having pain and focus on that area, or something along those lines. I didn't have pain in my back for years. Recently it started back up. But I also haven't been doing that exercise for the last couple of years. But I'm telling you, as God is my witness, my back got better, my back healed because of that and people probably think I'm nuts when I say this but your mind, people can think.
Speaker 2:People can think, you know, I'm at a place where people can think I'm as nuts as they'd like, but I, I, if, if my psychology is is is shooting on all cylinders and I'm experiencing joy and fulfillment. I couldn't give a hoot what anyone thinks. If I'm being, if I'm experiencing joy and fulfillment while being a good human, I couldn't give a hoot what anyone thinks. And it's a liberating place to operate from. Sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, that. It's interesting that you say that, because I think the last time we talked, you said you know what? I think you asked me well, what makes it? We talked about this. We talked about, like you know, it's not my responsibility what you think about me or anybody else thinks about me. It's just not my business. And and I and I think you asked me, well, how did I get to that place? And I'm not sure exactly how I got to that place, other than I just I can't control what anybody thinks about me and it's really none of my business for sure.
Speaker 2:100, 100, the, the, the. I love, I love that there's such that video. That video is tapping into a whole host of like practices, all in the all, jammered into 10 minutes. I really encourage it. Put it. I I'm sure cory will pop it in the show notesmered into 10 minutes. I really encourage it. Put it. I I'm sure Corey will pop it in the show notes, but I encourage you guys to listen to it. It's a, it's a, it's, it's bomb. It's truly awesome.
Speaker 2:And and I have to be honest, I don't give myself that gift every every day either. I do, but I always do it in some way. The video is phenomenal and I should probably do it every day and I shouldn't have an excuse. But I definitely don't start my day without experiencing joy or gratitude in some way, and for me I get it in different ways. Like I, I just love, love, love. Sitting down with my either kid either side of me and having my coffee in the morning, and like journaling or like perhaps writing my gratitude list. I like to have an element of flexibility in how I achieve that, but I will never start my day without first centering myself in a conducive emotion. My whole, everyone I interact with is better because of it. So, so, so the next thing I I'd like to bring to you, corey and I think this is something perhaps you haven't been exposed to because I have thrown myself into, like I've done my undergrad, I've done my master's, I've read books and books and I've never come across what I'm about to share with you now, and it's called my primary question. This is something we unlocked, josh and I, at Tony he, he a primary question. It's a question that you subconsciously ask yourself most often and it shapes how you see the world, like how you feel and the results you get. And Tony says like the quality of your questions create a quality life and successful people just ask themselves better questions and, as a result, result, they get better answers. So, um, I, I want the.
Speaker 2:The concept of a primary question is we all have a question that we ask ourselves the most, like you might, if you think about people in your life. There, there's, there's, there's something that that you hear them say a lot, and chances are that that's their primary question. Like, if I think about a loved one, I'm thinking about my life right now. She always asks me am I okay? Do I look okay? Do I look okay? Are you sure it's okay? Is that okay? Are you sure I look okay? Her primary question is probably do I look okay? You sure it's okay? Is that okay? Are you sure I look okay? Her primary question is probably do I look okay, or am I okay, or something, something grounded in that phenomenon.
Speaker 2:But, like I want everybody listening to take a moment, and you too, corey, to reflect on. When something goes wrong, what is the first question that pops into your head? And I want you to ask yourself is it empowering or is it limiting? So an example could be like a limiting question could be why does this always happen to me? An empowering question could be what can I learn from this? How can I grow? So what?
Speaker 2:I want everyone, everyone listening today, and you too, corey to choose a question that aligns with your values and your goals. So, for example, like how can I bring joy and progress to every day? And then my, my encouragement to you is to repeat that to yourself daily. Now I'll give you my personal experience. This was like five fricking weighted vests taken off me when I did this exercise.
Speaker 2:The question I always asked myself was and I didn't know it consciously.
Speaker 2:I did.
Speaker 2:I hadn't. I'd never heard the concept of a primary question, but we all have one and it was fascinating to watch people in the group unlock what theirs was. Mine was how can I prove I am enough? It ran around in my head like a frickin hamster running so fast on a wheel, like all the time, like almost OCD, like all the frickin time. How can I prove I am enough? How can I prove I am enough? And the whole philosophy about your primary question is it's the thing you're asking yourself the most, it's the question you're primarily asking yourself. And, as a result, it drives the freaking ship. It drives everywhere you go. It drives how you think. It drives the decisions you make. It drives the relationships you're in. It drives all your choices, your actions, your behaviors, your career, your future. You're in. It does. It drives all your choices, your actions, your behaviors, your career, your future, your emotions. It drives freaking. So it drives. It drives most of it drives 80 percent of our life, perhaps more so. So my encouragement to everybody is to understand what their primary question is. So that was mine. How can I prove I am enough?
Speaker 2:The acknowledgement of that question alone was like winning the lotto, like I felt like like, uh, one of a one, a business partner of mine, who, who was also attending this event, was like Laura, it looks you, look like you've. Like, it looks like you've just become like 10 years younger. Like he just saw the stress melt away from my face. And this was before I had even discovered what my new primary question was going to be. And I'll take you through this process, because I then set what I thought was my new primary question and it was how can I? It was like how can I contribute more? So I was like okay, how can I contribute more?
Speaker 1:This is me, me Subconsciously saying how can I be, how can I, how can I be, how can I?
Speaker 2:how can I be enough? You hit the nail on the head, but I didn't see that at the time. I was like this is more conducive. Contribution is a good thing. I'll just contribute more. It makes me less self-focused. It makes me more focused on others. And then I was freaking.
Speaker 2:The next morning we met in our groups and I was like anxious, I had like a tight ass, and when I get tense, I like my whole, even my ass gets tight. And I was like anxious, I had like a tight ass, and when I get tense, I like my whole, even my ass gets tight. And I was like Josh, like this is my question's shitty. I feel I'm in my head now and it's still as compulsive as the other one, but it's like what can I do right now? So it was like fricking instead of vanilla ice cream it was honey bean vanilla ice cream. It was just a different flavor of the same fricking thing. So my encouragement to you all as you identify what your primary question is and then your new one, make sure it's not a similar, it's not a different flavor of the same thing. So I was like, well, this is shitty, I can't have this primary question. This is just is the other one.
Speaker 2:And this gentleman came up to me at the start of the event. He was like he was the coach of our group and he had read my questionnaire that and actually I can give you that questionnaire to link to in the show notes too. We did a questionnaire pre this event and it was so. It was like that alone was freaking, enlightening. And he read my questionnaire and he was like Laura from Clover, I'm here to support you throughout your, throughout your, throughout your journey. And um, uh, he was like I'm, I can help you like identify your mission and all of that. And there was something in my intuition that just said this guy's gonna help me out. And there was other coaches that I was like yeah, they're fine, they're, they're part, they're here to support. But just I knew this guy could like help me out. And my encouragement to you, corey, and to people listening, is when you get, when your intuition kind of like gets, like is speaking to you, fricking, listen, so so so I was like I'm going to find this guy and get a better primary question because this is shitty. And I found him and I said I need to talk to you. My primary question is not good. It's really not good. And my new primary question is just, is just as shit, help me out. And he took me out to the side and he brought. He started coaching me and he said he said he started coaching me and we brought, we came to. How can I appreciate all the ease and calm I have in my life right now?
Speaker 2:And I was living in such a place of angst that I that this was such a, this was such a 180. Like it was a total, it was a, it was. It couldn't have been more opposite to to the primary question that I was. And I just started crying. And I hadn't for what I don't know. Is it because I'd done a lot of self-work on myself?
Speaker 2:I hadn't really experienced that many tears throughout this event, yet this was day three, I think, and I hadn't. And I started crying. I was like, oh fuck, this is good, there's some truth to this, this is good. And I felt just more melting it, almost like you put a piece of bacon in a pan. You see the melt fat around it, the fat, the fat around it. That's what I felt was happening. It was like just crappiness melt off me and I was like, oh, this is good. I knew I was supposed to find you, this was so good, and I just gave him a hug and I was so stoked and jazzed and I went in and told Josh and I was so happy. So I came home with my new primary question and I had so much more ease and calm but I started my new question how can I appreciate all the ease and calm I have in my life right now?
Speaker 2:That's my new question. So so think about what that does to your nervous system. How can I prove I am enough to? How can I appreciate all the calm and ease I have in my life right now? I was just chill. I was chill, chill, chill. It was fantastic.
Speaker 2:But I started to let the house get messy. I started to allow my emails kind of get out of control, and I don't like that. I like when shit's in order, because it brings me more calm. And Josh was like what the heck's going on? And I just didn't really care. I was just so at ease.
Speaker 2:I was seeing all the calm and ease all around me that I was chill and I but, as the two weeks almost going into the second week and I was like I actually started to become anxious again. I was like there was something missed, there was something not aligned. I was like my environment wasn't as together as I would like it to be. I was like, well, shit, there's something wrong here. So I spoke to Josh and this is the benefit of putting yourself around people that help you ask better questions, because the quality of your questions determines the quality of your life. And he says what if you just switched out? Appreciate to create. So I was like, ah shit, that is good stuff. So it was how can I? So it went from? How can I appreciate all the ease and calm I have in my life? How can I create even more comedies in my life? And now I'm ongoingly putting more systems in place to bring myself even greater comed. So it's more proactive and it's beautiful.
Speaker 2:With the same result, right With the same result, if not better, if not better, way better, way, way way better. So so. So my encouragement to everybody is, is, is, is, is. Choose a question that, firstly, that aligns with your values. So, as you set your values, I want you to say, okay, is this? So if I, if I'm putting warmth as my top value, and I'm what does it by having this value in this particular order on my list, how where is this going to lead in my life? And I want you to do that for each value that you set. So then, when you have your values in the order that you believe is most conducive to you, living in an aligned, joyful, ease, flow, flow, flow, flow filled life that is sets you up to be able to do this primary question, your primary question, should align with those values.
Speaker 1:All right, let me ask you a quick question.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Do you? So I'm just going to observe. I've observed what you said Please do. So I think it was you relinquished. You've relinquished control of the outcomes of the emails and the shit that stacks up that you had such a tight grip on.
Speaker 2:Sure had such a tight grip on Sure.
Speaker 1:And now it feels like you've let go of that tight grip and allowed other people hopefully systems and processes to do some of these things, which is trust in not that you, Laura, you don't have to do it all, but before, I think that was the case, if I'm reading this correctly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, I think.
Speaker 2:I think what I would have kind of encouraged to like certainly what I gave myself the permission to do was I opened up more a mental and emotional bandwidth and, as a result, I could think clearer and do better.
Speaker 2:And if we're constantly, if we're asking ourselves a shitty ass question all the time, we're emotionally exhausting ourselves and, as a result, we have less capacity to contribute, give nevermind to nevermind to others, but even to ourselves. So so, so, the, the, the. If you take nothing away from this podcast episode, bar identifying a new primary question that facilitates your nervous system living in a conducive environment, that would be one of the biggest blessings you could give yourself for the course of your 2025. My nervous system now lives in a much more conducive, calm space and, as a result, I have more capacity conducive calm space and, as a result, I have more capacity to give to me and, as a result, give to others and, and in giving to me, I can think about systems that create more calmonies and give a person the opportunity to help me build those systems that facilitate more companies.
Speaker 1:But how do you recognize if you try to take that control back? Because it's ingrained in your psyche, because you've done this for so long, and my guess is it either has crept up since then or it's going to creep up again. So how do you mitigate that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, great question. So you have to the, the, the we have been asking, you've been asking yourself your old primary question for such a such a long period of time. It is very ingrained and there's and it, when you ask yourself that question now, consciously, it's still going to create, it's going to certainly you'll feel it in your body and I encourage you to pay attention to it. It will, it will create a visceral reaction, you will feel the feelings and so there's a yeah, there's a lot of emotion tied. You now need to create similar emotion with your new primary question. So, so, so, how we did it at Tony and how I ongoingly do it now and I know how I encourage you, corey and listeners is you, you, you, you have to, you have to embed it in your nervous system and how you do that.
Speaker 2:The night that we identified our new primary question, we went out for a walk and we, like, we went out for a walk and we, like, ingrained it in ourselves. So like, as we walk, we're asking ourselves how can I create even more calm and ease in my life right now? How can I create even more calm and ease in my life right now? And it's not enough to just say the words is to feel the words. So I could say so. If I say how can I create enough calm and ease in my life right now, that is not in line with the terms in my new primary question and it doesn't create a beautiful visceral response for me. But if I ask instead how can I create even how can I create even more calm and ease in my life right now?
Speaker 1:My nervous system just goes, and the movement is also very important. When you're asking that, you said you went for a walk. I think that part yes.
Speaker 2:If I yeah, that part. Yeah, Getting into your body is important. That's right. Yeah, Getting into your body is super important.
Speaker 2:So my encouragement to you is you have to ingrain this new primary question. How you ingrain it is ask yourself it, but ask yourself it in a way that makes you feel a different way. And and walking, when you get into your body, you're engaging where energy goes, like motion creates emotion, which therefore creates more access for a better question to be embedded and it makes it easier to disassociate yourself from that old primary question. So it is a practice. It's something you have to ongoingly ask yourself, but now you can consciously, when you feel yourself in angst or stress, you can consciously just reaffirm your new primary question and watch your nervous system step into a whole different way of operating.
Speaker 2:But yes, now if I experience stress or tension, I'll just get up and go for a walk and ask myself my new primary question as I walk and I will arrive back to my house after just one lap, a totally different individual. It is the most, is one of the most profound exercises I've ever gifted a person and I've ever been gifted. I, I, I. I plan to text you later today, Corey, to find out what yours is, but I would love to, I would even be curious to ask you now like what do you think yours currently is? And did like a question, and it doesn't have to be perfect, but what do you, even if you get in the ballpark of what it could be, that creates a level of consciousness that brings you so much more control over your psychology?
Speaker 1:I think it's similar. How could I, you know, how could I have done this thing better? How could I have had this conversation differently? How could I have created a better outcome, almost saying like what did you? What could I have done? Well, really, what could I have done better?
Speaker 2:Okay, I think that's more male focus, because Josh's was that and I'll enlighten you and your audience with like a male version as well Like Josh's was how can I be better, so everything. So his worth, his self-worth was tied to everything. His worth, his self-worth was tied to everything which makes you on the line in almost every you know endeavor. So his was how can I be better? So that is also affirming that you are not enough and if you're living back to a concept I think I've thought on this podcast before you're therefore living in the gap, not the gain. You're acknowledging all the shit you could be doing better versus all the things that you did well, and from that place, you're going to continually live in that gap and from that gap you can't give to yourself, never mind others, not as much so at least. So josh's new primary question I'll actually read it out to you because I have his new poster here is his was how can I learn, grow, appreciate and be present even more? It's changed.
Speaker 2:My husband, like he, he would sometimes be in a conversation with me where I just want to be heard and he tries to. He doesn't see it as anything wrong with me. He sees it as shit, perhaps I'm not doing enough, how can I be better? And he goes into perhaps self-critical mode and he tries to coach me up. And I just don't want him to coach me up at all, I just want him to listen. And now he just, he can just be. But he's also facilitating his psychology to have much more space to really hear. And when we can really hear, that's when we can really contribute and we're not operating from our ego, from the places that we all feel less than we're operating from fullness, and from there we can contribute even more and from there we can contribute even more.
Speaker 1:It's interesting because I will often ask Maddie, is this a conversation that I just need to listen, or are you looking for me to respond? And it's very clear, right? She'll just say like, yeah, this is the time you need to listen. Well, guess what? I don't need to ask you more questions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, for sure, and and and, um, if you're, if, yeah, if you, if you, if you ask yourself a question that um allows you to, allows you to just have more access to your um, whole brain, um, um, because it's, it's grounded more in, like, your essence, like, how can I learn, grow, appreciate and be present even more? If you can appreciate something about a moment and you can speak good into it, it allows you contribute to that thing even more. Versus come to a place, come to a place, a thing or a moment, with a desire to make it better, but but, but in order for a thing to be better. That whole question was grounded in criticism, which isn't the, you know, the nicest place to start any conversation with another, but also yourself, with another, but also yourself. So this takes me to my last point. If you're facilitating, so, so, so, so, just to prepare, prepare you for your, for your homework later, what do you think your new primary question could be? Cory, I'm not sure. Okay.
Speaker 1:What do you think your new primary question could be, Corey?
Speaker 2:I'm not sure. Okay, I'd love you to give it, I'd love you to give it, I'd love you to give a thought. But let me ask you this If you were sure, what?
Speaker 1:would it be? I think it'd be the opposite of what could I do better in recognizing what I am doing well, which is very challenging for me?
Speaker 2:So if you were to know and verbalize what your new primary question was, what would it be?
Speaker 1:What did you do right in that situation? What decision did you make? That was a positive decision.
Speaker 2:So, as you decide what your new primary question is going to be, I would encourage you to ask yourself how does that align with your values and how will it shape the trajectory of your year, your week, your quarter, your day? And from that place, I would love you to text me later as to what your primary question is and I'd love you to consciously decide to embed that into your psychology and do away with like, like I've seen, like how can I be better is actually not the worst primary question. How can I prove I'm enough is way worse. But but the the, the the challenge with it is it comes.
Speaker 2:The fuel is not as healthy as it could be. The fuel comes from not enough, which you could. If you're, if you have a fuel that is more beautiful and and and vibrant and alive, like, appreciating and coming from that place, and that there's a, there's a nicer fuel, and, as a result, your life fuel, as Tony would call it is, is just a more enjoyable one, because you're not operating from a place of lack, you're operating from a place of full, and from fullness there's more to give to yourself and to others. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does make sense, yeah, it does make sense.
Speaker 2:It sounds like you're pondering. What are you pondering?
Speaker 1:Well, I think you know it still comes back to. Well, if I was, it kind of comes back to what you were saying. You know, if I felt like I did enough in xyz situation, I wouldn't look at how could I have done it better if, if you say that to me once more so similar to what you were saying when you said well, I'm how, you know, how can I be enough?
Speaker 1:well, it's a similar question to how could I have done better. It's really kind of falls in that same question to how could I have done better. It's really kind of falls in that same bucket. And if I could recognize well, I did do enough in this situation, I did put my best foot forward and I didn't leave anything on the. You know, I didn't leave. I left it all on the field, so to speak. Um, and I just don't look at it that way. I look at it like, well, what could I have done better? And so I don't look at it like I left everything on the field, even Even if I did leave everything on the field. I don't view it that way.
Speaker 2:Now you know one word that could change the whole, that could change the trajectory of that question. Even how could I have done even better? Because you do want to build into your primary question a presupposition that you're already doing the thing. So how can I do even better? Predisposes you've what you're already doing very good, you just want to do even better.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, a hundred percent makes, completely makes sense.
Speaker 2:So so that he speaks about a lot is you want to build a pre, a presupposition that that that thing already exists. So in the case of mine, how can I create even more companies in my life right now? How can I learn, grow, appreciate and be present even more is what josh's is. So in your case, I would in like josh's was yours, how can I be better? So you could either just borrow josh's, but as a, as a starting frame, and then refine it over time, like what I did, or or you could even just change that one word how can I be even better?
Speaker 2:Because you're presupposing that you're already better, you're already good, you could just be even better. And from that place, like if you say that to yourself, when you say to yourself and you can go ahead and experience it now, if you say to yourself how can I be better, how does that make you feel internally? And then ask yourself how can I be even better? How does that make you feel internally? Does your nervous system? How are you responding internally? Can you feel it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because the even better helps me to recognize that. Yeah, that I'm already doing well.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:For sure, for sure.
Speaker 2:It facilitates that highway to happiness. It facilitates those opportunities for you to be grateful to you for the things that you're already doing. You know, and like, for an example, like if I were to put myself in your shoes and I would ask myself how can I be better? Or I could ask myself how can I be better? Or I could ask myself, how could I be even better. I'm now acknowledging okay, shit, I work for an awesome company who hire who's, delivering fucking tremendous service and helping solve this recruiting retention issue of our industry.
Speaker 2:I am with a phenomenal woman. Life's pretty good. How can I make it even better? Though? That's a pretty cool spot to operate from, yeah, so, so. So you're operating from fullness and you're, you're, you're just now. You just want even more joy, even more abundance, even more beauty, you know, even more fullness. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, and and the. You know, even more fullness, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, and, and. You know, the crazy part is it's true, and all we've changed is one word of our question but it's, but it's, but it. It absolutely flip-flops for the better.
Speaker 1:Our reality yeah, I like it. I am certainly going to give it some more thought, for sure, but I agree with you Changing just that one word. It does change how it lands and how it feels and it gives credit. It lends credit to the in whatever situation we're talking about. It lends credit to the success that's already there, opposed to taking away from the success that's already there 100%, 100%.
Speaker 2:And back to if you consistently acknowledge the good you are doing, you're going to find way more good. Yeah, You're choosing to pay attention to all that is good, and all that is good will compound and you'll get more of it. You get what you pay attention to. It's why you hear people say the law of attraction. Really, what that is is you're just choosing what to focus on, and what you focus on grows.
Speaker 1:That's right, 100%, all right. I know know we're getting close on time.
Speaker 2:go ahead yes, we're getting close on time, so I would, I would encourage you I'm going to end with this create, make it, make, make happiness and joy easy to attain and then allow your goals challenge you. You want your goals to not be. You want your goals to to not just good or they logically they logically make sense. You want to viscerally feel them so that you can look, look toward your 2025 with like vigor, like you're stoked to go about this thing, not because it sounds good or my ego would like to achieve this thing.
Speaker 2:The phrase I like to use is if you're, if you're in your head, you're dead. Allow your heart to help shape the course of your goals for 2025, because the more you feel a thing, the more you're going to feel pulled toward it, not pushed toward it, like, instead of feeling like you're pushing a rock up a hill, you want that rock to be behind you, pushing you down the hill because you got so much bloody momentum yeah and if you, if you have a goal that is pulling you, not pushing you, because you that goal is coming from your heart, not your head, it will pull you and you'll feel compelled and that's a much more sustainable fuel to freaking, dominate your 2025 and your goals.
Speaker 2:your goals should scare you a little. They should be big, but they should come from your heart, not from your thinking brain, and from that place you will go about the accomplishment and go about attaining those goals with true joy and inspiration.
Speaker 1:Not just something that your ego thinks sounds good, that was perfect. Yeah, I got a lot out of that Good, a lot. Yeah, that was wonderful, good, good. Laura, where can people find you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so Grow With Clover is where I tend to spend most of my time. I'll be at different speaking events and industry events this year. I look forward to hanging out of my time. I'll be at different speaking events and industry events this year. I look forward to hanging out with my industry people. But, yeah, find us at Grow with Clover. My email is laura at growwithclovercom.
Speaker 2:I can give out my cell. I like to be, I like to be hit up and contribute in ways that allow other people to evolve and improve, allow other people to evolve and improve, and my my cell is 702-487-1979. I welcome hearing from you. I mightn't get back that in the first 24 hours, but I'll get to you. I care about contributing. I care about helping everyone live a more fulfilling, joy-filled life.
Speaker 2:Life is too short. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, so today would be a good day to start living from your heart, to give yourself that 15 minute gift and write down the things that genuinely make you feel alive and excite you and enthuse you, so that you can go about 2025 with like a healthy, exciting fuel, versus a fuel that is filled with force. So I wish anyone listening the best year, if I can be of service to you in this year. By all means, reach out, whether you're a client or whether you're not. I'm here to serve, I'm here to contribute and I'm here to bring more joy. And thank you, guys for tuning in Corey, thank you for facilitating a platform of just, you know, sheer, give back, you know, and to and to and to who hire, for giving you the, the, the, you know, the space, the space in your day to make this impact that you're making on this platform. So, yeah, thank you so much for for having me and here's to a really, really good 365 days 360 something.
Speaker 1:Thank you, laura, I appreciate you.
